Shyness can be called one of the main problems of the twenty-first century in the field of social psychology. This is especially acute in the post-Soviet countries, where we have been instilled with one-sided views on things: this is good, and this is bad, you can do this, and you can’t do that, because what people think.
Signs of shyness manifest as early as childhood, when a child timidly looks at unfamiliar uncles and aunts, at school it openly communicates with only a small group of children, is nervous at the blackboard and responds in simple terms to questions even from close relatives.
Why is shyness dangerous?
“It will pass by itself, it will outgrow it,” the parents answer, and they also blame in addition, “Why are you Vassenka so shy?”, Not suspecting that they pour salt on the wound.
When Vassenka grows up, he will most likely find it difficult to start relationships with girls, to find a job worthy of his abilities. Opportunities and chances will elude him from under his nose for one banal reason: it is difficult for him to open his mouth and express his feelings, opinion or desire.
Have you heard the expression: “Help the talent, mediocrity will make its own way”? Why? Because talent is a sufficiently gifted person, but does not know how to appreciate yourself. If you clearly knew your worth, you would not be allowed to sink yourself with shyness, which holds you tightly enough, but is completely “curable”.
How not to deal with shyness?
Usually, all practical articles begin with the “what to do” section and end with “what not to do”. But we will do it differently, because in this case, the majority consider the treatment of shyness to be the things that cannot be categorically done.
And so, error No1. Imagine that you are determined to fight with your complex. You go to a party, try to talk to the guests, but the conversation is not glued. You silently curse yourself and think, why am I such a nerd? And then your brain gives the answer: you are a cretin, because you cannot connect two words, you nervously turn around, behaving strangely, etc. The list is endless. This is where the bug is hidden.
It is impossible and once again you can not blame yourself for failure, because everything will never work out right away. Ask yourself the question: “What conclusion do I need?” And the brain will again give the answer “You need to be more persistent, less stressful, etc.”
Error No2. Shy people often resort to alcohol to be more cheeky, or start to surround themselves with “things of prestige”: cars, fur coats, expensive watches, clothes, etc. Do not hide behind external factors. You do not want, like Cinderella, to one day be left without your “shell” and retire at the speed of light? Confidence does not indulge in clothing or money.
Another mistake No3 happens when you hide behind your problem. “No, I will not go there, because I will be shy” or “Well, I’m shy, so it’s not my fault that I, the sales manager, could not even fulfill the minimum plan.” Take responsibility and stop looking for excuses!
The best ways to overcome shyness
Now it’s time to take the bull by the horns, or shyness for its vulnerable spots – there is no difference, the main thing is to do something.
Where to begin?
First, stop thinking of yourself as an inferior person who can do little. Forget about the word shyness. Yes, sometimes you are timid, but hundreds of thousands of people have the same problem. Your shyness is the same manifestation as a cold.
You do not put yourself on a degree lower than others because you cough or have a fever. The same is with shyness. It’s just a psychological manifestation, and the cold is physiological, but the essence is the same.
Remember a simple formula.
I do not care about the situation. What does this mean? Very often, people tie any unfortunate situation to their personal qualities, thinking that what happened is their characteristic. Simply put, if you were carrying several glasses in your hands, slipped and smashed them in front of guests, this does not mean that your hands are growing from the wrong place.
It just happened. This is a situation, but it is in no way related to your characteristic. Tell yourself: yes, it happened, but it happens to everyone, it doesn’t have anything to do with what a person I am. I do not care about the situation.
What do people think of me?
Probably, the stars of the red tracks do not feel under such a sight of foreign views as a shy person. To a shy person, it seems that his every sentence is divided into separate words, letters, and a verdict is passed on each particle, but this is not so.
What people are surely puzzled by is themselves. They, like you, are puzzled to look good in the eyes of others. They do not care about your hesitations, timid movements, etc. They do not put a stigma on you.
We leave the cave.
A little armed with theory, you can go out. Have you noticed with whom it is easiest for you to communicate, with acquaintances or strangers? Of course, it is easier for a timid person to communicate with those whose opinion is less important to him, that is, with a stranger.
Go to the station, take a ticket to the nearest town where you do not have friends, and start the practice. Set yourself a goal: to speak with at least 10 strangers so that they will suggest the way. Extend phrases with 10 passengers on the bus (preposition? Just ask where to be, for example, a shopping center, which confectionery store could recommend your interlocutor). Believe me, he will be pleased to help you.
Of course, it looks a bit strange, but it is even weirder to live for decades with shyness and do nothing with it. If you practice well, you will notice that it has become much easier to talk to your friends.
What color are your eyes?
How difficult it is for us to look into the interlocutor’s eyes. It is important to do this at business meetings, otherwise you will burn. Negotiations where there was no eye contact between colleagues cannot be successful. Remember the thorium lies? So, if a person hides his eyes, then this is a possible sign of a lie. But you are not a liar, but simply a notorious person. Do you know this, and your interlocutor?
To learn how to look into the eyes, set a goal to remember the color of the eyes of everyone with whom you have to talk. The fact that even spouses do not know the eye color of their halves is a shock. It is unlikely that such relationships are built on love and harmony. Therefore, look into the eyes more often.
Arm yourself with tricks.
Of course, an armed soldier feels more confident on the mission. You also need a weapon, but not lethal, but verbal. Read a few books about communication techniques, watch the instructional video, go to self-esteem courses.
Then you will not worry about having to talk to someone and keep the conversation going.
Choose, not be elected.
According to studies, people get acquainted with those whom they consider as attractive as they are. A person with low self-esteem will be afraid to approach a person of the highest rank (meaning not material well-being, but a sense of humor, charisma, mental abilities, etc.).
But often such people themselves suffer from loneliness, because others are hesitant to establish a closer relationship with them. Shy people would never come to someone who, in their opinion, is more successful, beautiful, etc., than they themselves. But you have the right to choose those whom you want to see around you. So feel free to meet people who like you.